new secret blog. didnt want to have one, but i wanted to tell someone something. always told jaren everything. it wasnt bugging me then, till beatrice asked if you were my best friend.

maybe it really was my fault. it was my fault for telling that lie to everyone. i thought it probably wouldnt hurt. it was the biggest lie ever, i believed it myself for a period of time. the first time when you asked me if i treated you like my best friend, i was really surprised. nobody asked me such a question before. i didnt answer you, but i actually knew the answer. you werent. nobody was. i never had such a close close close friend before. not in secondary school. you were already the closest i think i could get. everyone else thought we were best friends. but the second time you asked, i told you yes. i thought we were. you are my closest friend, but not yet best friend. i kept secrets from you. i dont really talk to you much when you're not in school. and because you kept things from me. i knew but i just didnt want to believe it. i thought i could change it. i could try talking to you more, so that we'd be closer, as if we're really best friends. but i kept secrets from you. you'd probably feel i dont treat you as my best friend anymore. i dont know how to make us closer, im as clueless as you. you wouldnt even listen to my explanation. i shouldnt even have told that lie in the first place. and maybe it wouldnt hurt so much if you found out i kept things from you. it's not that i didnt mean it, i wanted to be best friends with you. but i dont know how. the only person that i told everything to was jaren. i felt like a really big liar. like i didnt deserve his care at all. why should he care so much for a liar. a liar that didnt care about her friend's feelings. you asked if i treated you like my best friend. you asked as if we were best friends, like the answer is already yes, and you asked me just to assure yourself that we still are. i couldnt say no. but i've been trying to make it come true, for it to be real. perhaps the problem isnt as big as i think it is. maybe the lie isnt related to the problem now at all. being with you everytime is different from being with other people. i couldnt talk rubbish with you, i just kept quiet. when it was just the both of us, it was always quiet. i dont know why. but i really wanted you to be my best friend.